I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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