My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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