I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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