did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
