I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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