you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
