she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
