I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
