every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
