i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
