It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
