Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
