How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
