The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
