either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
