I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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