I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
