I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Randomize
