my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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