I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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