I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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