Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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