I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
as a side note pls kill me
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