dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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