I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
