I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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