I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
