Where is the hickey?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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