I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
