while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
