I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
