i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Quick, to the slutcave!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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