I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
