this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize