totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
