I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
