Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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