My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
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Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize