i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
