You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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