I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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