When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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