Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
