Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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