Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
