Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
