I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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