i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
