I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
