Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
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