Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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