Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
ttyl tear gas
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
