I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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