after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
