At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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