These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
